Shikamaru: PI
by DivineMachinations
Summary: Shikamaru Nara is a hardbitten detective, walking the mean streets of Konohoa; a lone champion of truth in a world full of lies and deceit. With his young and optimistic assistant Rock Lee, he's on a mission to clean up the world one criminal at a time.
1. Chapter 1: We'll Call That a Victory

The coffee was hotter than the devil's underwear and Shikamaru Nara, Private Investigator, regretted not letting it cool before drinking. He could feel it, the horrible raw feeling at the top of his mouth that would last all day. As if this day wasn't bad enough already.

She had already won. They both knew it. She could see everything he was going to do before he did it; he half suspected she was manipulating him into playing every move, that her invisible hand was always on his shoulder, guiding him through a trap that he had walked into a long time ago. Things were getting desperate.

Her crystal blue gaze, knowing and smug, made him want to shudder. He was the smartest man in the city, the number one Private Investigator, yet he had come undone so easily. Low lifes everywhere feared the day their name crossed his lips, and yet found himself here…

Yes, Ino knew she had won alright. The Shogi board between them was proof enough. And as a real man of the mean, grim streets of Konohoa he had only one recourse. He could knock over the table. She'd complain that she was going to win, but she would say that, wouldn't she? No proof. He nudged a table leg experimentally, but it seemed to be attached to the floor. Probably after last time.

It was time for plan B. He would have to start moving his pieces like checkers piece and pretend he had been playing that all along. 'Every time,' she said with unnecessary smugness, 'every time you do that.'

'It would help if you had just brought a normal checkers board,' said Shika optimistically, 'then maybe we could have a fair game once in a while.' He adjusted his trilby, just to draw attention to the fact that he was wearing a trilby.

But his clever ruse had failed: he could see that now. Before she could call her bluff, however, his keen young apprentice, a mere year older than him, burst through the door.

Lee was a lanky, bowl haired boy with almost as much idealism as he had energy. The poor little, slightly taller than him, guy. He had yet to really see the ugliest that Konohoa had to offer, although he admittedly wasn't too far off every time he looked in the mirror.

'Shikamaru senpai!' he cried. 'Pakkun sensei says we're needed back at the station!' You could practically see the exclamation marks forming in the air around him.

'I'm sorry little lady,' said Shika. He tried to put his hat on, realised he had it on already, then took it off so he could put it back on. 'Maybe we can have a rematch some other time. I guess we'll just have to call this one a draw.'

As he left, he got the impression that he had not made himself any friends. On the sidewalk outside, waiting for Lee to fetch the Van of Mysteries, he reflected that was the sort of life he had chosen for himself. Having integrity in a town like Konohoa was never going to earn a man friends, and if a man wants to walk same path he was walking he'd have to be ready to take on the world.

_Welcome to_

_Shikamaru: P.I._


	2. Chapter 2: The Boss

Everyone agreed: Pakkun was a real dog.

Shikamaru Nara didn't have a boss; no man owned Shikamaru Nara. As a Private Investigator he could pick and choose his clients as he wanted. The fact that Pakkun, head of Konohoa police, was his only client, so something like a boss, was neither here nor there.

Lee chattered madly on the way to the police station. He got even more excited when they got there: someone had sprayed something onto the side of the building in neon green paint that no one had bothered to clean up yet. COPPARZ GO HOME! 'How stupid!' Lee raged. 'The coppers are already home!'

Inside the building, Shikamaru was sent straight into Pakkun's office. This was worrying; normally his dogship liked to keep him waiting for at least fifteen minutes. Petty power games no doubt. All because Shikamaru had kicked him first time they had met, just to show him who was boss.

'Come in, come in,' said Pakkun, 'how ya doin' Shik?' A cigar was sticking out of the corner of his mouth, not yet lit. Shikamaru had never actually seen him with a lit one.

'I-' said Shikamaru.

'Well ain't that just such a shame? Take a seat, enough with the small talk.' Pakkun stared at him with his well-jowled face, all saggy and miserable. 'I have another job for you Shik.'

'I don't know Chief Pakkun,' said Shikamaru, 'I'm pretty busy at the moment.'

'You can knock off the attitude right now Shik, 'cause I can read you like a pack of cards that have been individually laid on the table face up. Ever tried that Shik? It's easy. Anybody with a basic comprehension of numbers and shapes can do it.'

Shikamaru had to give him that one.

'This one's a juicy one though,' Pakkun continued, 'a real scoop. A big boy.'

'You don't mean?' asked Shikamaru.

'A proper murder,' said Pakkun, 'never had one, have you Shik?'

'When you've lived fourteen years, on these mean streets, nothing surprises you anymore,' said Shikamaru. 'Anyway, I've investigated lots of murders before. Just ask Lee.' Why did he say that? Lee was a terrible liar, too damn moral. ''cause you sure as hell can't ask all those dead schmucks.'

'Shik,' said Pakkun, 'now I'm about to tell you something, so you listen good, not bad, you hear me?'

'Like I got ten outta ten in my listening classes Chief,' said Shikamaru although, in truth, he'd only gotten about four in his listening classes.

'The mayor is breathing down my neck on this one. Got my ass on the washing line. So if the dark clouds in the sky start to rain on my ass I'm using you as an umbrella. Got it?'

'Gotcha,' said Shikamaru, despite the fact he had no idea what Pakkun was talking about. Outside, through the window over Pakkun's shoulder, a pigeon was hopping around. It had distracted him.

'You've gotta be discreet Shik. If your mum asks you questions about this investigation, you deny everything. If she persists you make it clear she don't wanna be involved. I'm not saying get rid of your mother Shik, don't get me wrong, but don't rule it out neither. Gotit Shik? Just you and your idiot sidekick is to know about this.'

'Don't talk to my mother, gotcha,' said Shikamaru. Shouldn't be a problem, his mother was really annoying about his job, asking him when he'd get a "real one". Little did she know, this job was more real than she could handle.

A murder? And he wasn't allowed to talk to anyone – except Lee – about it? If he had been a lesser man than Shikamaru Nara, Private Investigator, he might have felt scared…

_Next time on:_

_Shikamaru: P.I._

'What a mystery!' announced Shikamaru. 'Perhaps unsolvable unless you're Shikamaru Nara, Private Investigator!'

'But sensei,' said Lee, 'you are Shikamaru Nara, Private Investigator!'

'So I am Lee,' he said, 'so I am.'


End file.
